day 2

pretty good day today, kept on fighting and things turned out well. thank you whoever out there that is watching me. feels really good not always having to be that person that has to impress everyone and just being a more relaxed person now, alot better... had a really long home group lesson today where me, kyle, jamie, connor poida and some other year 12s just had the chillest and longest talk that went for 2 hours. was really good ahah. haven't been paying out poida as much as i use to nowadays and actually not paying out mr. lemay anymore and helping him do stuff in the class room. people are calling me names and stuff for it rofl but all good. Mr. Lemay is actually the biggest lad around. also tried to make first contact today, didn't go as i planned but it couldve been worse. happy that i picked myself up and did it :)

feeling so unproductive right now though, tried to do homework but just goin to watch some avenger cartoons instead.

EDIT 11:50pm:

wait nvm i feel bad now. life is literally like a rollercoaster right now, sometimes it just hits. so far pursueing this has done me good but sometimes things just hit me. i think its that ontop of the other things...just need to remember that one pic Chris. remember that time. wish i wouldnt have these medium times and then have these really low times so often. wish it was like a medium-low just constantly if you guys know what i mean. sigh. i really dont know where im going but im picking these things up as i go so i guess thats alright. i dont even know what i mean when i said that last sentence tbh.... wish i could just abuse some sort of magical pill that would make me feel really good and then make me just crash at the end of it so i lose all hope. why would i even wish that? makes no sense. 

i looked what all "this" is a few days back and i actually have all the symptoms...the articles told me that they weren't true but it feels so real its scary. feels like im just "out", wish i could just have this thing i could just talk to about it and have them understand, not saying anything back but just absorbing it all and helping me share. i can already tell tomorrow is going to be a hard day, not necessarily bad but hard. still going to try my best to fight and not stop fightinng but please give me something to hold onto, please whoevers out there sitting there and watching me... sort of half want to just leave this all behind but the other half says that what i built today is worth staying for. guess thats progress. i wish you would know just a little bit about all this....good luck for tonight and tomorrow Chris, sorry i set u up for failure tomorrow. i know you can make somethin of it though, ur a good kid. trust me