body language

I cannot believe i didn't see this. Holy fuck it fuckin hurts, and i know this isn't because of that thing that i think i have and it's something else. I srsly can't even believe this shit. Omg, Chris you need to fucking change. Please fucking change. Please for the love of Jesus Christ and your fucking sanity, do something. Fucking just do something. I was really hoping watching that would help, i didn't know it would put me in this place. Disgusting.

day 19

Pretty 40% right now.

Went over to cousins house today and pretty much played Deadspace 3 all day so i wouldn't be "overwhelmed." Atleast we finished it ahah, the ending for it was pretty dodgy though. Today was really hot, made me want to do something but i cant anymore which isnt good.

I just keep on thinking 60 years ago there was a teenage boy just like me, handling all of this and 60 years later he regretted it and would do anything to go back and change. Its really hard.

Quote that hits home. "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."

Its here to stay tonight. Sigh.

day 18

Had a pretty good day today, had school as usual. It was a Friday so i had chem in lesson 1 and 2 and then maths studies in lesson 3 and thats it :P. In chem i was talking to Candy and Katy more which is nice, they are really good people ahah. In maths studies aswell we got a little quiz back and i got 100% on it! It was only a quiz but thats my first ever 100% in maths studies rofl. Yes i am that dumb. Also makes me feel good that i can help Joanne out with alot of questions, sort of like how Zach use to help me out so much. Guess im repaying the debt hehe.

Ran into a friend i hadn't really talked to in such a long time. Was really surprised to see them sitting there ahah. We just talked random stuff and i told them about this really big thing that i was going to do soon which involved my parents and they genuinely felt sad for me... It made me feel really special. Conversation was really happy for me though, for some reason we both just laughed out heads off so much i didn't even understand :)  hope it was the same for them aswell!

Also chilled with Khadi for a bit in the library. We just talked until she had to go to see Ms. Severign and when we did she was so nice as to give each of us a brownie, tasted so amazing ahah :D. We then went to Ms. Medlin's English comms class because Khadi needed some help. Talked to someone in that class today and apparently my hair looked good not too long ago ahah when i had it all straightened and styled up. Im glad that other people thought it looked good aswell, the terms they used to describe it were new and unique i think :P.

Played basketball at lunch from like 1:30pm to around about 2:30pm and then we all headed over to town to get some food. After that we went home and Josh came by my house at like 8:00pm and drove us over to Davids and then we escorted him to his basketball game. The drive there consisted of many bad jokes and alot of bad singing hehe. At the stadium, there were free courts and i was practicing my basketball skills heaps. Feels really good to feel as if im progressing in something :P. David's team ended up winning and he played really well, his whole team was sucking his dick including the coach ROFL. Tried to support them as much as possible, hopefully i didn't seem like an over excited loser. We then went back to David's house and at 1:00am me and Josh went home and here i am now writing this blog.

Cute Ming Su with Sandra

This photo was meant to look ALOT better :P

Also finally got around to finding and listening to these beats :D

day 17

Oogalah, boogalah, shoogalal, hoogalah, coolagah. School today, chilled with some really cool people at school. Talked to Marissa alot, her happiness actually rubs off on me so much it makes me really happy. She is such a good person like srsly, i wish i knew her earlier on in my high school life. Really looking forward to talk to her and get some of her happiness (yes im a loser), hopefully im just as cool to her as she is to me. Played the guess the word game on people's iphones, feels good that we all got together to conquer this real challenge. Went to town after with some of the Asian peeps after school, saw Pete at Hungry Jacks. His hair is really getting funky being tied up ahah.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Went to a place where we went just a year ago on this day, yea its Valentines day ahah. Brought back plenty memories and made me sad but it didn't hurt that much surprisingly. Probably because i was with people. Makes me feel really sad because its just been a year and this person who meant the world to me is now someone who i don't even say hello or good night to. Wow, that is actually the most saddest thing i have ever thought. And just a year before that i never ever, never ever thought in my wildest dreams that we would've gotten together and did all the things we did. I didnt even know you back then... Things change so quickly that it literally blows my mind, makes me feel a bit sad too.

I remember i got off school later than you because i went to some chemistry lecture thing, shouldnt have done that. I was lugging my heavy bag about and walked down Rundle Mall to see you at the Maccas foodcourts. I remember calling you and like i couldn't hear you properly and everything. Omg i cant believe i was using my old Optus phone back then aswell! I had good memories on it.

I rounded the corner and there you were sitting there on your phone with ur bag propped up onto the table and you had put some make up on for me. I think it was mascara. To be honest right now, i thought it looked a bit worse since i've always liked you without make up ahah. I was just really happy though that you had went through that effort, it meant alot. Opened up your card and it was so cute, so cute. The fact that we hadn't put much effort into all of this but it still meant alot. I dont know how to describe it but i loved it.

We then went on over to the Torrens river park or whatever and found that spot that u had found while doing that peer leader thing and you thought it was the perfect spot to sit. Just talked and took alot of photos, i wish i had a copy of them. I wish i stayed longer, more than anything today.

I also remember buying you that rose ahah, i was rushing into the lecture theatre during an SRC meeting. Literally last second because i wasn't really sure whether to do it or not, but i did it anyway. Did it all secret because i wasn't sure whether people should know or not. I dont know why, but i remember that fact so clearly ahah... Probably because i was really scared you wouldn't like the rose. Im so glad that you did :) Wrote down literally the stupidest message involving the word drillbit for some reason and later on had to chase down Katie to rewrite the message and i remember adding a question asking you to go with me to this thing. Ended up being cancelled which was a real let down (srs). It was so cute how i would ask you throughout the day about it but u wouldnt answer till you gave me your card with the answer.I wonder what condition that rose is in or whether you still have it ahah.

If i really cared for you and liked you as much as i have been saying, i would let you go.

Im actually crying right now ahah, but its not a bad crying. Im really glad i made this post

day 16

Not a good day, so many bad things happened. Was really hard to handle in Maths studies today, was alright though during the swimming carnival nominations when i was talking to some people.

Im not sure whether i feel good because i talk or i talk because i feel good. This happens with alot of things....

Tried out for basketball today at lunch, played absolutely terrible. I think it was because the nerves got to me but i doubt it. 

On a new streak today though, lasted 2 days now. We'll see how long it goes ahah.

Been wishing it would be night time sooner everyday lately so i can go into corners and go about my nightly fairings.

Accidentally took this fail photo while trying to take a selfie :P. 6/6/2012.

11:10pm

so many feelings and emotions, i srsly dont deserve this shit. ive thought all of this out and i srsly dont. im so afraid aswell, im not even afraid but i dont have another word to describe this. i guess i am scared. i feel really sick, like physically sick. im not sure whether it was from what i ate today or from just feeling so bad. someone said my eyes looked tired today, that felt pretty bad. guess it is a bit noticeable, my voice was wavering alot aswell when i was talking today, bad. had a talk with someone today by the benches near the oval and it was a really good conversation but it brought up bad things and i realised again that i had done alot of things wrong. i dont know why im like this, i really dont. i really dont want to be like this anymore. i really just want to survive tonight tbh, just get through tonight and then the day tomorrow and then wait till its night time and do it all over again and then sleep it off, get through the next day, wait till its night time and do it all over again. just bunkering down and waiting for the storm to past, is that really what u want Chris? thats fuckin pathetic u weak piece of fuckin shit cunt. you use to not understand people like this and think they were shit cunts, that sprobably why uve become like this. i let people down today and was let down aswell. now that i think about it i really appreciate that u kept on tryin to talk to me today in the morning, i hated it at the time because i just wanted to dwell into a spot and just forget everything and be in the back ground. But you just kept on asking me questions and i hardly even know you, guess im not bad at making friends. nah who the hell am i even fuckin kidding. feeling very worthless right now, im hot and im bothered. Fucking hell im the biggest fuckin bitch right now. Im just so sorry and i want things to be right. I wish i could just pause time, sit down with you and just tell you everything, literally everything and have you want to hear it from me. Thats probably my biggest wish, i reckon once im done with that i can get on out of here. Maybe if i left everything and started fresh interstate or something then things wouldn't be bad, thats partially why im doing english comms. main reason is just because i dont want to spend too much time at home sitting around wasting shit and being a complete mess. i really dont want to do this anymore... anything but this. tonight more than ever the want of being at that point is at its highest and that makes me really scared. i really dont want to do that aswell, i really dont. maybe because im scared, i want to think its because i have other things i need to do first but i think its just cuz im scared. im such a fuckin pussy, i shouldve embraced it by now and be able to do it but i cant. thats probably a good thing, i srsly dont know anymore and thinking about this is making things harder to see, giving me a headache and i have a stomach ache. Im just not having a good night and week.

it doesnt mean anything, i thought it did but it doesnt. i really dont want to do this anymore. i literally just wrote like 600 words, i wish i could have this type of writing skill when it actually mattered. i wish i actually had skills that actually mattered. I got ignored alot today, guess it doesnt matter because my end goal is to be a nobody anyway. i see you so sad and i see that you have found ur way to where you belong, i srsly hope that it brings you happiness. because it makes me happy seeing you like this. i remember i use to not like you because i use to blame you and think it was mainly ur fault, it wasn't. You had ur story and i had mine, it wasnt ur intention to let it play out like it had. i reckon if i could go back and say sorry to anyone i would say sorry to you first before i said to to lorax. i am sorry mate. im proud of u. if anything i admire you. you faired well. 

i told the whole truth to david today. been meaning to do that for awhile, im really glad he handled it the way he did. it made me feel alot better about shit. ended up feeling bad still though and went into a corner again and tried to go again for round 2. it didnt come like last time though, idk if thats a good or bad thing. i just really wanted to let go and get my shit over and done with.  i am very bipolar just like this guy. i know it now and it is so evident in what i doand think... i really dont know what to do right now, i just want to stop feeling so bad and just stop with all this depression bullshit. right now im sitting here with my eyes cllosed and just touch typing everything. i rememeber the first time i learned how to touch type, i was so happy. I think i was a lvl 22 dwarf warrior in duskwood. i was happy because playing world of warcraft had really helped me learn to touch type. i remember being able to type 100 wpm at school in like year 7, i was so happy when i printed out the certificate and like showed my teacher, he was so happy and so were these 2 other girls. their happiness was probably all fake though ahah, i realise that now. im so tired and waery, tired of this shit. tired physically and i fucked up today, probably am going to fuck up tomorrow and the next day. Im fuckin done, my days are done. my time with you is done, my time with myself is done. im done and im sorry, for everything ive done and ever will do because its an endless stream of fuck ups. a fuckin endless stream. i gotta learn to be okay with at though.

now im just rambling on shit that makes no sense. noone is going to ever read this, i doubt im even going to read this again. this is literally 1000 words, pretty much an english essay. fuck my life.

8:41am the next day

Ended up reading it again and its 1134 words, not bad.

day 15

Shits pretty bad all round. Disappointing how i'm like this. I probably need to get this looked at, if its not what i think it is. I am literally going to think i am the weakest person ever. Maybe some time these holidays, i guess we'll see.

Day was alright today, wasn't too bad in the morning but progressively got worse and English was terrible. Watched a Jamie Oliver show though which helped the mood a bit. It was good seeing Jamie cooking for his mates and joking around and stuff. Pretty sure majoriity of it was staged but it still made me feel better. Ben and sammy also looked on Sam B. laptop and found this porno which had the funniest title and we all just had a good laugh, that was a good moment :).

It was obvious though that i was feeling bad and that made me feel worse. I know that i'm the only one that can change it though and it pisses me off how its like a snowball effect. It was alright though because i just didn't want to pretend to be okay and just sort of "stood back" which was nice. I think the reason why it was obvious was because i usually talk and laugh alot more with people but i didn't really want to do that kind of stuff if i was feeling bad....yeah i can't really put it down onto words, sigh.

Went to the gym today to release alot of the negativity but my right bicep was giving way alot so had a pretty sugar honey ice tea workout but atleast i got it done.

Hopefully tomorrow is a good day, i know that i'm the only one that can make it like that with what i do and think but its just hard.

Broke my streak today aswell, guess its alright though because im not feeling top notch. It didn't last that long though which is aight, can still feel it lingering even right now though ahah.... yea. I just finished this sentence and it started up again.

far out. was really hoping id be alright for a bit longer. definitely feeling it now. shit. i really wish things would be better already. im so sorry i really don't know what to say or explain what i am feeling or what i want to happen but i know its not going to happen so yea. ill live. blogging just makes me feel even worse right now, never had that happen before but theres a first for everything. used up 7 already, i heard thats a lucky number.i want to go back to those days of playing handball

Domino effect

Realised not too long ago that i always seem to have a problem on my mind that constantly drags me down. I guess this is probably the same case with everyone though. I wish i realised this earlier and didn't let it ruin alot of things i had worked for. It had to be something back then and now it's something different but its still there. It's just always this thing that keeps on thumping away at me.

Not really sure why i get so beat up about it aswell, truth is worrying about it and getting all scared isn't to make life any better. I'm just wasting valuable time being down like this because of this bad feeling that will always be there.

I've definitely solved my one problem that was stuck on me the whole holidays and i'm so so so goddam happy and proud of myself but just after that problem was solved this one literally pops up straight away and it feels terrible. Everything that keeps on popping up seems worse than the last but i know that it's not. They're all just the same. Sigh, i really don't want to go into corners tonight but it's really hard. I'm on my own so i guess its alright, right? I haven't done this in a few days now and i have a good streak going on, proud of myself tbh, i can't break it now. Just can't... This problem isn't even that bad, i still have time.

day 14

Reading and blogging usually makes me feel better but the book i am currently reading is just getting so complicated and hard to understand that im just lost and it's not really helping things. Getting me a bit frustrated tbh. My cousin did say that later on things become a bit mind boggling so that's alright. I just wanted a book i can get into so i don't have to think about other things.

Also don't have much energy and enthusiasm to even blog, sigh. Feeling a bit sick lately and had a sore throat for a week now, pretty sure thats a record for me. 

Had a chemistry prac, with Ms. Candy today. We actually titrated and worked together really well. Makes me feel good :). Mr. Lewis was also giving us a suss aswell and i think he was impressed. Got my test back and managed a 51/53. Coincidentally it's the same mark as David, i wonder what happened there hehe. That's pretty good but for some reason i'm not satisfied. I srsly can't remember the last time i was satisfied with a school mark no matter what i get. It's weird. 

Our titration results

Gymmed with Ming and Paurav today during lunch which was good, their form and technique is definitely improving. Feels good to be able to help them on their weight lifting journey as they are beginning. Sort of wish i had someone to help me out back then. 

Wearing my singlet because he forgot to bring his today.

A fair amount of bad things happened today which would've usually affected me alot but i managed to handle them quite well but they still had an impact. I didn't think they would actually be like that for me. Maybe it's like that for other people aswell, who knows.

Happy that i did this blog post, it's definitely made me feel better. Might do another one.

day 13

They say 13 is an unlucky number. Was really tempted to do something today, pretty sure it would've ended up bad and im relieved that i didn't do it. Not happy, but relieved. Maybe one day....

Pumped out the homework earlier on in the day because i hadn't done much the past few days. Then went on over to my cousins house and we played some Dead Space 3, co-op. Actually a really sick game! shame though how the computer i was playing on couldn't run it smoothly and i lagged a bit here and there :/

Later on in the night we picked up my other cousin and went for a late night Maccas run. Had a solid double quarter pounder meal and a McChicken burger to myself. But also tasted some other burgers which included: fillet-o-fish, grand angus and the lamb bbq burger. Was keen for a McFlurry that night but their ice-cream machine had broken :P.

Won this on a very very kind packet of chips :D Can't wait to taste the sweet taste of a smoothie

day 12

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEARS EVERYONE!!!! My family and I don't really celebrate it that much but i hope you guys all had a good chinese new years even if you're not Asian :D.

Had a pretty solid day of driving around alot and running errands like paying my brothers Saturday school fees. Was pretty bad because i went into his maths class and he was getting bullied. The other kids were saying how he was wearing a girl's shirt. Feel bad seeing my brother getting bullied tbh but i guess every kid has to go through this kind of stuff. Going to be there for him though and hope he doesn't get too beat up over it.

Later on in the night Yong Gu picked me up from my house to go to the Cantonese temple for New Years. Didn't think many people were going but ended up being me, Yong, Ming, Lee and Steven in the car. Was a super funny car ride just singing, talking and shouting at people on the side of the street. We are the most immature people around and the things we said were completely idiotic, like i would punch myself right now since i said those things AHAHAHAH.

First time at temply for so many of us. Saw alot of Asians, like literally alot of Asians. Sort of wish i went to the Vietnamese one so i could understand what was going on but it was still a very fun experience. Met up with some of the other lads there :). Memorable memory was when the fireworks were going and i just kept on saying, "they're alright," it was one of those you had to be there moments but we were all just laughing out butts off and others would've thought we were retarded, i love it :'). 

Went for a Maccas run later that night and Lee bought me a big mac burger which was rather scrum-diddly-umptious to say the least. Thank you Lee! We all then headed home via Yong Gu and i got home arrived at my door step at 2:00amsies.

Driving off

Everyone was touching the dragons head ahah.

Perks of Being a Wallflower

Finished reading this book the other night. Whenever i would feel bad about situations i would do two things, read this book and blog. Both really do help the situation :). Reading this book just helps me get a better understanding of so many things and i just don't feel so lonely... i know that sounds weird to read but its the truth. Maybe i'm not using the right words to describe these feelings.

Really recommend this book to all the troubled and non-troubled teens out there. Sort of wish it wasn't over so i could keep on reading it and feel good. I guess all good things come to an end. I will miss the main character Charlie, as weird as that sounds. We are alike in many ways.

I am a very weird soul, its scary.

day 11

School was pretty nice today, managed to talk to some people in my year that i usually don't talk to and had some genuinely nice conversations and stuff :) feelsogood.jpeg. Had maths studies in lesson 3 and have the biggest dilemma of whether i should move out of that class or not because i've already done this subject and really cbs doing another year of maths. But if i do move out ill be in like other dud classes with duds and the people in this class are actually amazing! I really like it ahah (yea im a loser).

Did the chemistry test today, both of Mr. Lewis' class (which included me) piled into the upstairs lecture theatre, room 46. Was pretty funny when me and David immediately sat next to each other when you were meant to leave a seat between people. Mr. Lewis just looked at us and smiled, he knew maximum referral was happening this test. Once the test was done i went down to hand it up and he handed me the answer to this work solution and i thought it was because he saw that i was cheating on a question with David and he just did it for me. Was actually shitting it but realised that he just did a question on the worksheet that i couldn't answer in today's earlier lessons. Hes such a lad.

After the test me, Ming and David went over to Maccas to eat for a bit and then we all headed back to my house after some serious discussion and debating. Looks like my official house view count is now 4 hehe :D. Slowly not even feeling weird about my house anymore which is awesome! We chilled there for like an hour before Yong picked us up with Ken in the car and dropped David home and afterwards we all went to soccer. Only 10 people turned up at soccer today but it was still an awesome time, played till it was literally pitch black and since the field was smaller and less people it was more skill involved and not just booting it. Im actually getting good at soccer!

Later on in the night we went to go eat some AB, thank you Bridget for shouting us AB! Shes actually the bestest in the wide world, was a really filling meal and was good to get the proteins hehe. We all chilled there for a bit and i told the Ms. Shannahan falling story and everyone laughed :$. We then went to Hungry Jacks to drink the $1 frozen cokes hehe. They tasted amazzzzinnng because i was so damn thirsty :P. Brian then gave me a drop home which is really kind of him.

There were alot of things today that would usually have messed me up but im feeling good actually. Today was a really good day just being humble and honestly getting closer with people who are genuinely nice. Thank you for giving me the chance, these people after all the things i've done and seeming like a loser. Im actually so grateful its impossible to explain.

Heaven is a place on Earth.

Tried take a secret photo which was not so secret rofl.

Came home and mum had this book borrowed for me from the library, cousins must've told her i've been keen to read this for a long time now.

day 10

Feeling pretty bad right now, hopefully things get better on in the night and i can tell you guys about it.

Felt pretty dreary throughout school today. Especially in physics, for some reason literally everything annoyed me. Even the smallest things that i usually wouldn't have even thought twice about were lingering. What annoyed me even more was the fact that i was annoyed at these things and it just ended up snowballing. Was happy to get out of class and eat some of David's gummy burgers ahah.

At recess today i sat down and looked at all the year 12s sitting there eating and talking and looked at the year 8s. Realised for like the 100th time, how much people have changed and how people who you would think were so close to each other actually hate each other and have split off because of stupid things. Makes me feel a bit sad actually, i always thought when year 12 came around all of us would all be tight and be able to talk and laugh with each other. Weird how things can change so suddenly without you having any control of it....sigh. I wonder if this kind of stuff happened in like every single year since i was in year 8... I hope this year's year 8s have a good highschool life and don't end up fucked.

Good part of today was in english comms class when Ms. Shannahan tripped over and the whole class was just silent. Me, Ben and Liam were all trying so hard not to crack up which made it 10x funnier. Would explain more about this really funny moment but i just feel a bit weird now so can't. It was really funny though and im happy it happened because it sort of made us closer. Liam was also really digging my new orange Hydralyte bottle which was a good topic of conversation :)

I still think alot of thoughts that make me sad but i know these things shouldn't make me sad anymore because of the way things are. Alot of it shouldn't matter, sucks how it stilll does. I wonder how things are for you.

46 days left, so by my calculations i can start again on day 56 of this blog series... seems so long away but i know when the date comes it's going to seem like it went by so fast.

day 9

6/10 day at school today.

Had some maths studies in the morning and Ms. Black literally wasnt there for the first lesson ahah, by like the 2nd lesson i was like fuck it i could teach this. So like i got hell excited and all my wonderful friends in the back row (because we're cool like that) were all encouraging me to go up :D. But when i went up, i looked outside the door and saw Ms. Black walking down the corridor :( NOOOOOOO. Was actually really keen to teach AHAHAHA, wouldve been pretty funny i reckon.

At recess i spent a bit of time with this person that i thought didn't like me ahah but my thoughts have changed now, but only time will tell the real truth. Use to not like this person not too long ago, like literally 4 days ago, but i reckon they have a story of their own and it's okay that they did the things they did :) i understand.

Went to the weights room aswell during lunch and had a talk about something to someone. Later on in the day i realised i gave off the wrong message during that conversation and felt like a dumb ass but i fixed it later on which makes me feel good ahah.

Also still really sick, symptoms are getting better though which is heaps good! Panadol is my best friend today hehe. Managed to nap like 2 hours though because i was just that dead :/

Biggest highlight of the day though was the time i did a complete 180 and literally ran off when i saw the fires. So bad because that was literally like my instantaneous reaction, sort of like when you touch something hot you pull back ur hand immediately. Pretty embarrassed about it and find it actually funny as hell AHAHAHAHA. Told a few people about it and we all had a laugh. Lucky only 2 other people saw though. Pretty happy that you didn't.

Realised i had so much orange on my today at the gym rofl. Yea i took this photo secretly while the old man wasn't looking :P

Been seen movies

Watched Silver Linings Playbook, actually one of the best movies i have ever seen. Especially with everything that has been going on in my life lately (no drama queen). It just really opened my eyes and made me see that when you are going through alot of tough times alot of people won't understand why things are like that for you but you have to keep on trooping on and they will eventually understand. Especially if they really care for you. Also makes me understand they you know what? People are weird, we are kids and we act like absolute retards sometimes, being old is for when your old. For now, its okay to scream and shout in public and just be an embarrassing egg hehe :P. Movie was just so inspiring and stuff and just all round funny, i can't really explain it and it's making me feel weird :/

Movie definitely made me feel not so alone.... i really loved it.

Please watch this everyone of my readers, pleasssseeeee. Definitely a 9.5/10 easy.

Also watched Crazy Stupid Love again. Love so much about this movie, favourite scene though was when the wife called the husband since they no longer live with each other. She called him up about a fuse box in the house but she was just standing in her living room and missed his voice. What's even better is he was stalking her and like outside the window but she didnt see him .So he knew she was just calling him because she missed him. OMG! this scene actually made me smile so hard. Ending fight scene was an absolute riot :') P.S. mirin' Ryan Gosling's style hardcore (no homo)

Great cast.

day 8

A solid seven/10 day i reckon :D.

Was feeling pretty down in home group but then Kyle came in and just what he did with the year 11s and how we just started talking smack and laughing our heads off made me feel alot better ahah, love it (no homo). 

Recess and lunch today was nice aswell, at recess i was talking to some other people and just all round felt accepted i guess ahah. At lunch i went to the weights room with Ming, Paurav, Steven, Thavishka and Josh. Coached Ming and Paurav because im just a sick kunt like that ROFL ;). They had a killer workout and it was really good to see that when Ming lefts he actually gets "angry" and really pushes out the weights. I swear if this man had a proper gym he'd explode hehe :P. Feelsgoodman.jpeg that i can help out my mates.

Accompanying us was Jomar, Anthony and Seb. I'm not going to lie that it has been several times that Seb has approached me about how fun Richards 18th was for "us" AHAHAHAH. Even though i didn't have a good night that night im happy that i made it so memorable for him, makes me feel special i guess :$.

Went to the gym afterwards and hit some back and biceps, wasn't really a good workout because my lower back was acting up again but i could still feel zeee latimizimuzzz exhausted :D. 

Been sick for approximately 3 days now i believe, throat is getting more sore and head aches are getting worse. Head aches especially hit when i change "altitudes" of my head, like when i sit down and stand up. Which is pretty often at school so yea it hurts a deece amount, i really need a hug :(. So if you guys see me at school making weird painful faces please dont pay me out :D xx.

Cousin also finally bought some protein for me today aswell and a shaker, total cost was $85 which is gangster hehe.

Took photos of this wonderful bloke in physics and me and David were laughing out heads off ahah. He reminds me of the panda, Po from Kung Fu panda. I simply love it.

1.5kg of vanilla and 1.5kg of chocolate hehe. Got a yellow shaker because its different to alot of other people's :)

My very first protein shake in like 2 months. Poured way too milk in it AHAHAHA, sort of disappointing since there was hardly a chocolate taste.

day 7

Had a pretty good day at school surprisingly :D, cept near the end when i was on my way to the gym and walked past someone that made me feel like shit but fuck it who cares. Shouldn't be letting people who care so little about you make u feel so down :) Had a really good chem lesson with some bonding between the "chem crew" which has me, Candy, Stella and Katy ROFL. We were doing some titration shit and me and Candy just kept on lying about our results AHAHAHAH :P.

Was coaching Ming, David and Paurav inside the school gym today aswell. Man it's been awhile since i've had memories in that place. Helped get my mind off of things and it was srsly the funniest thing around AHAHAHA just paying out David while he was doing weights. fuck my ass.

Later on in the day i headed over to my REAL gym. Pumped a quality chest and triceps session which only took an hour which is killa rilla <3. Talked to a certain someone there and it actually made me feel alot better, i was apologizing for something on THAT day and they were like what was wrong with it? fuarkkkk. People like this srsly make my day man, i owe this person alot... Rocked my new black singlet and actually looked deece pumping hard hehe. Were these people there that were mirin' me pretty hard :$ will defs approach next time.

Caught the bus home afterwards and read on it, been reading a fair bit lately. Got 2 books up my sleeve and are streaming them out, feelsgoodman.jpeg.

Also played shooting with my brother for like 20 minutes, we just both ran around the house with one of his play gun each and shooting at each other ROFL, yea good times. Im a pretty childish boy ahah :P

Oh, and im as sick as a dog now. Just napped for 1.5 hours and woke up, had a huge headache all day and my throat hurts like a mong :( wouldn't mind a few hugs from my fans right now (no homo).

New goal for the rest of these blog posts aswell, atleast a photo a day no matter what it is. Because i love photos (srs).

Yea im just a registered genius like that

The Middle

If i keep up with this bullshit act then im going to end up dead in a ditch. Thats the truth, plain and simple. I feel negative about everything there ever was and ever will be. I use to blame it on other stuff like how already 16 years of my life has passed already and i've done nothing or sometimes I'd even think that the world was all fake and everything we did on this planet meant fuck all.

This is some stage 1 depression bullshit in its prime rofl and I've toughed this son of a bitch out for way too long to give in now. But that legitimately doesn't matter because i use to think you can control anything in your life and i think that right now at this very fuckin instance. What happened back then is just memories and its the past, no point getting hurt over it. Be happy they happened, did it make you into a strong person Chris? Probably not but fuck oath it doesn't matter bruv.

You have people that care for you, people that look up to you and people you look up to. All of these people you need to be strong for and you have not done that Chris, you've pissed it all away lately and now you're changing. Crying is for the weak, they say it is when you've been strong for so long. That is the case for alot of people but it's not for me.

This shit isn't going to pass with time, you can no longer sit back and expect this fucking lie to come true. I need to go out there and grab life by the fucking balls and tame it.

I just can't believe how many people actually care about me, its like ive been sitting under a rock this whole time and haven't even noticed it.

Even right now I want to be weak and give in to everything that I just wrote down. I know getting past this is going to be ALOT harder than it is for alot of people because I have gone on like so long at the bottom of the pits. But im not going to do that anymore, no longer am i going to complain and just be an all round fucking dumb cunt mother bitch. I've always known that, that has been the easy way out and if anything in my life has taught me, the easy way out gives no rewards, it gives no fuckin benefits. Picking yourself up after a big fall is what life is all about <3

day 6

just let it go in the morning, haven't been doing this for awhile because i think it will just make me feel worse. took people's advice and just did it. feels good, maybe because it really does or i just have no fuel left for that kind of fire anymore. sigh

this song is perfect

1:00pm

sometimes i feel better just like "that" but then i remember everything thats happened and it comes back ahah. makes me not want to feel good at all sometimes because the fall is pretty bad. yea.... hope you guys are having a nice day, good weather today. remember remember the 5th of november

day 5

im gone, for tonight ive given up on alot of things. never felt this bad before. i say that everytime...fuck this shit, i dont want this anymore. everyone thinks im sad because of losing you. ill admit thats a big part of it but the other part is why i want you back...i want to say i can leave and have someone tell me to stay right now. im forfeit to life now and forever, fuck all this shit. i deserve all this and im getting it just how ive always deserved it. fuck my life, fuck everything ive ever worked and will ever work on. fuck you chris, fuck you and your suitcase of absolute nothing except bull fucking shit, fuck you.

srsly chris u werent meant to amount to much from the very start. sorry mate that u wanted it all to happen but it didnt. youre done, give up after tonight. give up on everything. give up with friends, family, goals, aspirations. so you cant be disappointed. you and her arent going to work out of ur always going to be in the dump like this. god knows that working on your thing with her helps things out for you but it doesnt help both of you guys. im a fuckin train wreck and i want to just fuckin get the fuck out of this seat and life. im sorry everyone, im sorry....

day 4

had a pretty bad day at school, main good part was in maths specs when i was talking to Stephen and this girl that sat next to him that was international. i told her i got 18 and 19 for studies and specs and she thought i was like the smartest thing in the world ahah. truth is im not even that much of a brainiac. We all had a really chilled conversation though and it surprised me that international students can be really nice people. probably should stop judging people right away since i wouldnt want it done to me aswell... tried to do something today but it didnt work because something else was there, felt pretty shit. atleast now i know when not to do this thing. learn from my mistakes i guess and make progress, i can tell there is some sort of progress. even if its the smallest thing each day im still happy that its progressing.

after school i went to subway with david, strali and josh. strali drove us which was chill as, her driving has definitely improved ahah. afterwards josh walked home and got changed and strali drove me and david to my house so i could get ready for later tonight. got changed lickity split and got into the car and while there i was like, "nobodys gome right now, do you guys wanna come in?" secretly hoping they would say no rofl because im really embarrassed of my house. they said yea though so i took them both in, first time for both. it was normal that david would eventually come in but it was super weird how Strali was aswell. showed them around my GRAND house and then my room for a bit. felt really good not having to "lie" to people anymore and letting them know some of my secrets i guess. use to be really embarrassed of where i live and alot of that materialistic stuff but really who cares now. im glad that i introduced these 2 people to this part of my life. whenever i use to get dropped of by people i would ask to get dropped off at another house, saying it was mine and then walk home because of how much i was embarrassed and worried other people would judge me :/ glad that i could take these two in though, like so much, it might not mean much to them but it does to me ahah.... official interior house viewcount is now 3

went over to davids house for like 5 hours ahah, was pretty chill. little big planet was really frustrating and took my first dump there :P later on i went to Davids basketball game later on in the night with josh, candy, kimberly and chelsea. david ended up losing which was a bummer but everyone played really well, especially him ahah. saw this couple sitting down though and it made me feel a bit jealous tbh. sort of feel like im one of those people in the movies that are jealous of couples and stuff, man im such a loser.

just wish i would get some "feedback" every now and then but its alright that im not, dont really deserve it yet. hope you're having a fun time out there in the big wide world wherever you are girl

Me and Kyle. happy that i dont look like a klutz in my last highschool ID hehe

Strali couldn't come so i took these pics for her and sent them to her live with a score feed :D

12:46am

had a talk with SV that actually made my night/day/evening/afternoon/hour/past 4 hours :). thank you. youre a really really good person. pretty weird how we both have this same situation but its so good how we are both getting past it and were talking about it. man i love it