Im not sure whether i feel good because i talk or i talk because i feel good. This happens with alot of things....
Tried out for basketball today at lunch, played absolutely terrible. I think it was because the nerves got to me but i doubt it.
On a new streak today though, lasted 2 days now. We'll see how long it goes ahah.
Been wishing it would be night time sooner everyday lately so i can go into corners and go about my nightly fairings.
Accidentally took this fail photo while trying to take a selfie :P. 6/6/2012.
11:10pm
so many feelings and emotions, i srsly dont deserve this shit. ive thought all of this out and i srsly dont. im so afraid aswell, im not even afraid but i dont have another word to describe this. i guess i am scared. i feel really sick, like physically sick. im not sure whether it was from what i ate today or from just feeling so bad. someone said my eyes looked tired today, that felt pretty bad. guess it is a bit noticeable, my voice was wavering alot aswell when i was talking today, bad. had a talk with someone today by the benches near the oval and it was a really good conversation but it brought up bad things and i realised again that i had done alot of things wrong. i dont know why im like this, i really dont. i really dont want to be like this anymore. i really just want to survive tonight tbh, just get through tonight and then the day tomorrow and then wait till its night time and do it all over again and then sleep it off, get through the next day, wait till its night time and do it all over again. just bunkering down and waiting for the storm to past, is that really what u want Chris? thats fuckin pathetic u weak piece of fuckin shit cunt. you use to not understand people like this and think they were shit cunts, that sprobably why uve become like this. i let people down today and was let down aswell. now that i think about it i really appreciate that u kept on tryin to talk to me today in the morning, i hated it at the time because i just wanted to dwell into a spot and just forget everything and be in the back ground. But you just kept on asking me questions and i hardly even know you, guess im not bad at making friends. nah who the hell am i even fuckin kidding. feeling very worthless right now, im hot and im bothered. Fucking hell im the biggest fuckin bitch right now. Im just so sorry and i want things to be right. I wish i could just pause time, sit down with you and just tell you everything, literally everything and have you want to hear it from me. Thats probably my biggest wish, i reckon once im done with that i can get on out of here. Maybe if i left everything and started fresh interstate or something then things wouldn't be bad, thats partially why im doing english comms. main reason is just because i dont want to spend too much time at home sitting around wasting shit and being a complete mess. i really dont want to do this anymore... anything but this. tonight more than ever the want of being at that point is at its highest and that makes me really scared. i really dont want to do that aswell, i really dont. maybe because im scared, i want to think its because i have other things i need to do first but i think its just cuz im scared. im such a fuckin pussy, i shouldve embraced it by now and be able to do it but i cant. thats probably a good thing, i srsly dont know anymore and thinking about this is making things harder to see, giving me a headache and i have a stomach ache. Im just not having a good night and week.
it doesnt mean anything, i thought it did but it doesnt. i really dont want to do this anymore. i literally just wrote like 600 words, i wish i could have this type of writing skill when it actually mattered. i wish i actually had skills that actually mattered. I got ignored alot today, guess it doesnt matter because my end goal is to be a nobody anyway. i see you so sad and i see that you have found ur way to where you belong, i srsly hope that it brings you happiness. because it makes me happy seeing you like this. i remember i use to not like you because i use to blame you and think it was mainly ur fault, it wasn't. You had ur story and i had mine, it wasnt ur intention to let it play out like it had. i reckon if i could go back and say sorry to anyone i would say sorry to you first before i said to to lorax. i am sorry mate. im proud of u. if anything i admire you. you faired well.
i told the whole truth to david today. been meaning to do that for awhile, im really glad he handled it the way he did. it made me feel alot better about shit. ended up feeling bad still though and went into a corner again and tried to go again for round 2. it didnt come like last time though, idk if thats a good or bad thing. i just really wanted to let go and get my shit over and done with. i am very bipolar just like this guy. i know it now and it is so evident in what i doand think... i really dont know what to do right now, i just want to stop feeling so bad and just stop with all this depression bullshit. right now im sitting here with my eyes cllosed and just touch typing everything. i rememeber the first time i learned how to touch type, i was so happy. I think i was a lvl 22 dwarf warrior in duskwood. i was happy because playing world of warcraft had really helped me learn to touch type. i remember being able to type 100 wpm at school in like year 7, i was so happy when i printed out the certificate and like showed my teacher, he was so happy and so were these 2 other girls. their happiness was probably all fake though ahah, i realise that now. im so tired and waery, tired of this shit. tired physically and i fucked up today, probably am going to fuck up tomorrow and the next day. Im fuckin done, my days are done. my time with you is done, my time with myself is done. im done and im sorry, for everything ive done and ever will do because its an endless stream of fuck ups. a fuckin endless stream. i gotta learn to be okay with at though.
now im just rambling on shit that makes no sense. noone is going to ever read this, i doubt im even going to read this again. this is literally 1000 words, pretty much an english essay. fuck my life.
8:41am the next day
Ended up reading it again and its 1134 words, not bad.
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